Death of A Friend
Aaron told me today that Jeff Herles had died. I had met Jeff because he had lived, as I had, at 147 W 26th. Jeff was bright, a musician - that is to say a real composer and singer - who had a lusty laugh and a big smile. He did like to drink hard. Indeed that was what got him.
I go around saying these days, whatever you eat will kill you. that is, whatever you subject your body to constantly, that is what will wear out first. Jeff died of liver and kidney failure. He simply asked his body to do as much as it could, and when it had done all it could, it was forced to quit.
Now is this a suicide? Exactly where is the line between living fully, pushing the hedonic envelope, and suicide? Was it that his binges, month long intoxications really, were the end? Should he have stopped, or rather, what were the circumstances under which he would have stopped? Would he have accepted those circumstances or dismissed them? Perhaps he did dismiss them.
Perhaps, like myself, having high expectations did Jeff in. He expected to be equal to Phillip Glass or Steve Reich. He felt that had not happened. His operas were not produced. He was writing music for other artists like myself, and not the general or even academic audience. these are the conditions I think for middle aged demise. You had your shot, it didn't happen. Why stick around. Who are we to say Stay - when the life that wanted to be lived hadn't happened, and now in all likelihood was not going to happen? Who are we to be selfish, if that's what it is? Some people may feel the world no longer needs them.
Or course, that's not to say how Jeff felt. I hadn't seen him in a while, my last email 3 months or so ago went unanswered. I didn't feel a call for help, although that could be a receiving failure. So I speculate. But I speculate of course from my situation, and since Jeff and I were close in age, since we had similar levels of expectations ... perhaps we can only say he enjoyed his years here so much more than me. Perhaps that is why I linger here, in some black hope.
I go around saying these days, whatever you eat will kill you. that is, whatever you subject your body to constantly, that is what will wear out first. Jeff died of liver and kidney failure. He simply asked his body to do as much as it could, and when it had done all it could, it was forced to quit.
Now is this a suicide? Exactly where is the line between living fully, pushing the hedonic envelope, and suicide? Was it that his binges, month long intoxications really, were the end? Should he have stopped, or rather, what were the circumstances under which he would have stopped? Would he have accepted those circumstances or dismissed them? Perhaps he did dismiss them.
Perhaps, like myself, having high expectations did Jeff in. He expected to be equal to Phillip Glass or Steve Reich. He felt that had not happened. His operas were not produced. He was writing music for other artists like myself, and not the general or even academic audience. these are the conditions I think for middle aged demise. You had your shot, it didn't happen. Why stick around. Who are we to say Stay - when the life that wanted to be lived hadn't happened, and now in all likelihood was not going to happen? Who are we to be selfish, if that's what it is? Some people may feel the world no longer needs them.
Or course, that's not to say how Jeff felt. I hadn't seen him in a while, my last email 3 months or so ago went unanswered. I didn't feel a call for help, although that could be a receiving failure. So I speculate. But I speculate of course from my situation, and since Jeff and I were close in age, since we had similar levels of expectations ... perhaps we can only say he enjoyed his years here so much more than me. Perhaps that is why I linger here, in some black hope.
posted by fredsoffa at 1:57 PM
2 Comments:
Perhaps, but that is the wisdom of hindsight speaking. Those decisions we make, and their freighted but often unknown and hidden significance are two separate universes.
Do people know they have a susceptibility to certain stimuli? I think unlikely. But who knows?
Sorry, I accidentally put this comment on another post also...
Hello,
I had a friend named Jeff Herles, who lived in Queens in the 80's. He was an under-appreciated composer of some of the oddest sounds I had (at the time) ever heard. We worked for the same Nazi German Winery, he in NY and me in Washington State. We met once when I went to NY for a job interview with ITT Antarctic Services in Paramus. I got the job.
And we met up again in Europe in 1985. We were in France and traveled together to Vienna and Venice. We slept together too, but it never really seemed right. I thought he should have been gay. I even told him that it bothered me that he "acted" gay when he was with me. Okay, I was young and ignorant.
Anyway, I'm hoping that this does not sound at all like your Jeff Herles and that it is all an unfortunate coincidence and that my Jeff Herles is still alive and well. ???? Please write to me at lianasea@msn.com.
Thanks.
Oh and by the way, I don't think we have done irreparable damage by 40...I turned 50 last July, and the next week I quit my extremely heavy smoking habit, and began to exercise by walking everywhere that I can, and i am still not smoking and have lost weight and feel great and look better. I am a loser and a quitter, and I'm winning!
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